where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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