I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
