After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
