I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
