I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
