bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
