my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
