Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
