how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
