It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
