i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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