We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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