I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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