it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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