I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
