I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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