My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
