I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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