This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
this is an emotional support booty call
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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