Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
