I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
