I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
