My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
third nipple confirmed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize