Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
