life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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