apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
