2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
