ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
