my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
