you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize