When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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