Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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