There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
