Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
