Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
