There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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