God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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