he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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