Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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