Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
