Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
