I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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