I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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