Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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