and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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