My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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