I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish you could order shots online.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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