i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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