Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize