I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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