I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
