In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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