I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
