I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
