I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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