My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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