I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just tell him i said nine months
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
