Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
only if we run a train.
done.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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