people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
