My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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